Crossing Over to Starting Over

Arm with geometric feather tattoo

What a dramatic title. Sitting here feeling like Carrie Bradshaw (sans shoe collection) with this title. I’m into it. Anyway, so as promised this is the post about my consultation with Cindy Kruger. She’s a pretty well known psychic medium who has unbelievable gifts. I was fortunate enough to be able to get an appointment with her and she didn’t disappoint. The outcome was tremendous and like I said in my first post it’s the reason I started this blog as quickly as I did. It’s a long read, so maybe grab a snack or bookmark it for later.

Why see a psychic medium you ask? Well I’ve had some really big losses in my life starting from my caregiver who basically raised me from baby to a grown person, to the biggest and most devastating loss being my life-giver and the most recent loss being my very first friend in Joburg, Karissa “KSam” Samuels. It’s crazy to think that these women who are such important pieces of my existence are all gone. The thought literally just hit me now while typing this at 10pm this rainy Tuesday evening. How I’ve managed to keep it together through all this only God knows. I’m a rather secretive person when it comes to emotions of grief and don’t want to feel like I’m burdening anyone with these heavy feelings. I’ve since gotten better at this through time. At this point I can say I am very grateful to have known these amazing souls and am so blessed to have had them take care of me while they were living and even after they have passed.

I got to booking my consult via Pamela Samuel, Karissa’s mom. Mama Pam, as I call her, inspired me through her openness of sharing her grief and pain after losing her only child through a number of posts on Facebook. I had not so much as shared a single post or anything about losing my mother as I found it futile and unnecessarily attracting insincere messages from people I was barely in touch with. I was so wrong. Seeing other people share and express their loss allowed me to also engage with my own pain and suffering. I then understood the importance of sharing such experiences not just for the person sharing, but for the people who are or have gone through the same experiences but are struggling to cope. A type of therapy if you will. So thank you Mama Pam and to anyone who has ever shared such personal and deep feelings. Many have and will find healing in that.

As I’d expected after making the booking via Whatsapp to Cindy’s assistant, the next available date was in March! I made my first enquiry in like October or something so Miss Cindy is busy! It all worked out fine because I felt like I did need some time to mentally prepare for our meeting. The preparation was more for surety in what I wanted to get from connecting with my loved ones and less about fear or scepticism as I have always been a firm believer in angels and the spiritual realm so I knew they were going to come through.

Fast forward to 17 March 2018. A day I will never forget. One which gave me the most liberating and soul changing experience of my life. A couple of weeks before I started a 7-day detox where I cut out sugar, coffee, most dairy, wheat, red meat and alcohol. At the time I did this because I felt like I needed a system reboot after months of a lot of a lot, but in retrospect I think I really did it to clear myself of any kind of obstructions to my energies before trying to link up with my peeps. Probably sounds silly, but I know my mom wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. So on that Saturday morning I woke up a ball of nerves. As expected. This was a huge deal. I had some oats in silence thinking about the day that lay ahead. I had a baby shower, a farewell and a last day of summer party to attend and was wondering how I was going to do all that after seeing Cindy. Was I going to be miserable and sad all day and just make up a bunch of excuses to avoid people? Or was I going to come out of the session a new person and ready to share the experience?

In all my anxiety I lit a candle which was given to me by my dad to use whenever I felt sad and missed my mother. It was probably only the third time I had lit it because I couldn’t possibly light it every single day because that’s how often I thought and longed for her. After the candle was lit I asked her to be with me as I go meet with Cindy. I then put on Sampha’s “(No One Knows Me) Like the Piano” which previously had me burst into tears when it came through my earphones without any warning early last year. Now it makes me smile with peace in my heart. With the rest of the album playing, I got dressed and made my way to Cindy’s place.

It was rainy that day in the city which gave me comfort on my drive. Blessings they say. Once I got to the house, Cindy came to collect me at her gate and commented on my choice of music. It was still Sampha, I had taking him along for a trip as he fit the mood. Cindy was all smiles and very welcoming which made me feel comfortable – I think I looked obviously nervous. Inside I sat down in an armchair opposite the one she sat on. After asking me for my name and jotting it down on a blank page she got straight into it.

First thing that came through strongly was my “destiny”. What she sees for me in the future. I totally didn’t expect so much detail on this because I was really there to connect with my mom. The first thing she wrote down was the word ‘media’. Which instantly sparked a bit of panic in me. She asked whether I was in media or wanted to get into it. As you know I’m obviously not in the media industry, but I have always known that’s where I need to be. Her picking that up out of nowhere was shocking, and even more so when she listed the different talents that I tend to hide from people was even more shocking. She noted down personal styling, theatre, singing, voice over and other practices that lie deeply in the arts. It was as if she had peeked into my true dreams and shown them to me for the first time even though I’ve always known. This part gave me such a sense of relief and has now allowed me to pursue my instincts and use my talents I’ve kept from myself for so long. Writing and producing came up, so best believe I’m unleashing every “silly” and “crazy” thought I have in my head onto paper. I’ve already written some songs and constantly have melodies and movie ideas swirling around. The idea that I can allow myself to do this and not limit myself, in a way we’re almost taught to, is the best feeling EVER!

After the destiny reading, my grandmother from my father’s side burst through (I was not checking for her at all as she passed when I was 2). Her message had to do with my relationship with my father and how I had to stand in who I am. She wanted me to understand how my father was raised and how it’s very different to me. She emphasised my fathers relationship with his father and how that was a hard relationship. I really think she knows my struggle with my relationship with my dad and wanted to offer that message as some sort of relief. It did. Cindy then asked me who I wanted to connect with (as if she didn’t already know) and I told her. I wasn’t to say anything more regarding how they passed or when etc. She immediately connected the three to how they passed; cancer, a virus and high blood pressure. My mother and Karissa lost their battle to cancer and Bukelwa died from illnesses caused by HIV and AIDS. The high blood pressure was also linked to Karissa as she may have had some complications with it. At this point I was sure about everything I was going to be told. It became more conversational and revelational from this point.

My mother came through and thanked me for lighting the candle and saying a prayer to her that morning. I know right!! Insane! This part was a lot because only I had access to that information. And it literally happened an hour before. I was so happy to receive that and know she is constantly with me. Cindy then continued to share messages from her – how she loved her burial, she thanked me for speaking at her funeral, she assured me that nothing could have been done to save her and that it was her time. I was so relieved to know she was at peace and with her family. She appreciated the fact that I believed in angels and told me to look out for feathers as it is her way of blessing us and showing me that she is there. This past Easter Friday I got a tattoo (pictured in this post) of a feather to honour that beautiful message. The messages that had me in a state were the ones where my mother shared that the relationship with my father was one of great pain for her. I was in a state because I witnessed her have to raise 3 small boys on her own and I had always resented my father for ever putting her in that position. I remember making a decision as a pre-teen bobble headed boy to not burden my mom with anything and to try in any way, shape or form to alleviate some of her life stresses. She told me she had forgiven him and that I also need to because I’d always felt like I couldn’t be his friend. This was the message I came for. I didn’t know this before, but now I do.

uBukelwa aka MaBuki also came through to thank me for reading her tombstone at her funeral. She acknowledged the role she played in our family and how much she loved us. She also mentioned how she was in my life to provide healing over all those years. Which I fully received and agreed with. She told me that she never got sick from being promiscuous but that someone she loved and trusted betrayed that trust. I know that person, and I can now forgive him. I still miss her very much and miss our chats lying in the dark listening to 12 down on Umhlobo Wenene.

As soon as Karissa came through I knew it was her because Cindy started dancing and singing. This was so crazy because that was literally all KSam and I did. We loved to dance. We shared so many common interests, but getting down to the boogie was by far our fave. She encouraged me to follow my passions as she ALWAYS did in the living. She believed in me when I wasn’t capable of believing in myself. We were so in love with each other and were great supporters of each other. I’ll always regret that we grew apart in her final years as we were both discovering ourselves and trying to find purpose. Me after losing my only true reference in this life and her fighting a cruel and devastating disease. I know she knew why, I’m just glad we had the time we did and I’m so very proud of everything she achieved in the brief time she had in the physical world.

A very important message from Karissa which is why I’m up at midnight with cramping fingers, was that of starting this blog. She explicitly ordered me to start it. We had spoken about it for many years as a way of having an outlet for my creative thoughts but I never got to starting it. Needless to say, that following Monday I logged into my WordPress account (I had gone that far at least) and decided on the name, look and feel. ALN. She had her own blog which shared her journey and spread positivity to anyone who needed it. I used her blog to give shape to mine. The poetry of it all. Friday is going to be one year since her passing. Saturday will be three years since my mother’s departure. The timing has been everything and I am not sad. I am hopeful. The lessons and love that these angels have given me is more than I could ever ask for. I am truly blessed.

Meeting with Cindy and receiving messages from these extraordinary women is truly one for the books. I am forever changed after that 50 minute session. I am sure of who I am. I am sure of what I am capable of. I am proud of these women. I am looking forward to a face to face, stripped down chat with my father, but most importantly I am looking forward to all my possibilities from here on out.



5 thoughts on “Crossing Over to Starting Over

  1. Pingback: Remembering Karissa | ALN.

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